I consider them opening doors to improvement of my life.

Now you tell me, who in your house, cares--really cares-if you need to increase the size of your breasts or penis, as the case may be. There are at least 30 people a day who remind me that my) spouse wishes I were larger here or there.

On the other hand, I have the wonderful people who are concerned about my over-abundance of size in other departments. They have the pills for me. They have machines that will do the job without any effort on my part. Machines that will round out my flat butt or4 flatten out my round butt while I sleep.

I have the great friends who want to help me grow hair on my head and remove it from other body parts.

There are people who are truly concerned that I may have an occasional wrinkle. They offer me laser, creams and botox injections so that I may have a face as smooth and unlined as my newly shaped rounded bottom.

After reading my SPAM for the day, I can picture myself with a slim waist, rounded buttocks, hairless legs, armpits and upper lip, overbalanced by my breasts which have increased in size. Actually I would not need to use the wrinkle remover cream because my breasts have pulled all the wrinkles out of my face.

In addition to the extreme makeover they have offered, they now have innumerable romantic interests for me, and have insurance programs that will give my romantic interest a good start in life in case of my demise. They show me how to increase my credit, in direct proportion to the size of my breasts and how to pay off my credit card debt with grant money from the government.

If I don't have credit card debt, they will give me a credit card with pre-approved unlimited limits. I can buy a foreclosed home from the people who did not take advantage of the offers of cash NOW. Then they will show me how to launder my credit report. How wonderful of them!

I can buy cigarettes on line, and then I can join the Stop Smoking smokers. When I'm all through with the improvements, I can have free coffee and a coffee maker.

Somehow I am a little put off by one of the last offers on my list. Do I sense a little sarcasm in the line that reads: GET A JOB!